Mixed nuts and Chocolate.

I live in a tin of "mixed nuts". No matter how much I'd like to spend my days enjoying nothing but "boxes of chocolate", it's just not realistic.

Life Is Tough.

Sometimes, it feels like everything is going wrong. Sometimes it breaks you down and makes you want to give it all up.

But, you know what... that's okay.

Because if everything was easy would we ever step outside our comfort zone and try to make things better? How would we learn patience? Would we be as appreciative of the good things we enjoy? Or would we become complacent? Would we take our lives and our loved ones for granted?

My tin of "mixed nuts" has been over-flowing in the past few years. We have endured the loss of several loved ones. We have struggled with health issues. We have lost jobs and income. We have given up the majority of the luxuries we once enjoyed.

And even though all of these losses have weighed heavily on our hearts. We are still blessed with a lot of "chocolate".

We have an over abundance of loved ones still left in this world. Our Children. My Dad. Our Sisters. Our Brothers. Our Nieces and Nephews. Our Cousins. Our Friends.

These are the pieces of "chocolate" that fill our box to overflowing. These are the things that make life a little sweeter.

It's not an excuse... it's an explanation.

I am often told that I am "closed off" and too quiet. That I don't let people know what I am thinking and/or feeling. That I exasperate people because I don't answer questions freely.

Why am I this way?

Well, for the most part I figure no one needs to hear - nor would most people understand what goes on in my head. And why would they want to hear it? I am a tangle of anxieties and fears. Some, I know, are truly irrational but they exist nonetheless.

Sometimes I just don't want to be told that I should "get over it", that other people have it worse, that I just need to be on medication or that it's "all in my head".

While I do appreciate that most people are trying to supportive, platitudes don't really help me. I don't feel these things because I want to. I don't want to be sad and miserable. I don't want to feel out of control. I did not choose to be Bipolar. No one would choose to feel this way everyday.

I would love to be an upbeat and happy person all the time. I would love to smile and sing and laugh every day. And yes, some days I can be that way. But, it's not always easy. Sometimes I am just masking the pain I really feel.

So, please forgive me if I am difficult. I don't want to be combative ( Okay, I confess....maybe sometimes I do... but, it's not ALL the time. ) I am trying to be a good person. It's just a little harder when you don't always have control over your emotions.

And I promise you... I am not using my diagnosis as an excuse to be this way.

I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up more then anyone else could. I struggle and I fall and I pick myself up the best I can. I worry constantly that one day everyone will have had enough. That I will be left alone.

And that scares me more then anything.

He is my better half.

This is my husband. This picture sums up his personality perfectly. He IS my "better half".

The American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms defines "better half" as follows:

better half

1. Also, better part. The larger amount or majority of something.

Some people don't like the term better half. Some people believe it belittles a partners position in a relationship. I don't look at it that way. I use the term "better half" as a tribute to my husband.

I truly believe that my husband is my other half and my better half. My husband pushes me to be a better person. He is my very own personal cheerleader. He is also my kindest critic. I would not and could not be the person I want to be, if he wasn't here to support me.

Being the partner of someone who has Bipolar disorder is not easy. Life can be chaotic. The day to day can be so inconsistent.

My husband rides that Bipolar roller coaster ride alongside me. And he handles it much better then I do. Sometimes he is better at it then others. But, overall he is the positive driving force that keeps me going.

Even more amazing then that... He. Loves. Me. No. Matter. What.

He loves me when I am so depressed that I can barely function. He loves me when I am wound up and antsy and hard to deal with. He listens to my anxieties and tries to understand. He does his best and his best is more then I can ask for.

So yes, my husband is definitely my better half. Because he is there to support me. He holds me up when I feel ready to fall. He keeps me centered and makes me feel loved.

I can't imagine living my life without him. Because he IS half of me... My Better Half.

Starting over.

Starting over. Blogging today. Hopefully regularly. Giving no guarantees.

Starting over. Setting schedules. Housework. Exercise. No pressure.

Starting over. Taking control. Physical health. Mental health. Life in general. Trying to be optimistic.

I know... I know... I've said it before. Looking at it as the desire to keep fighting. Not as another failure.

I am not perfect. I am not even close. I am deep down a good person. I am a perpetual work in progress.

I am trying.

I am. Once again. Starting over.