Monday, April 21, 2014

I'm an artist... in my own mind....

Okay... so I'm not a "real" artist. It's not like I am toiling away to create something every day. Nor do I rely on my art to make a living. And believe me, there is some art out there that I just don't get. I know art is in the eye of the beholder but, sometimes I look at art pieces and think I must need glasses. I don't always see it.

I'm not sure how my art would be catergorized. I assume it would be considered more commercial. Something that's geared more towards the masses. Whatever it is... it makes me happy.

Well, most of the time anyway. As I have mentioned before, I am my own worst critic. So I tend to pick apart my work pretty harshly. I often throw away projects because I just don't feel like it's working. But in general the act of creating an art project feeds my soul and lifts my spirits in a way few things do. It helps me escape the negative and even helps me when I need to work through something.

So, I may be the only one who ever really enjoys the art I create. But, that's okay. It makes me happy. And we all need something that makes us happy.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Angels don't always have wings.

The last few years have been challenging to say the least. We have endured the deaths of several family members, some we were prepared for and some that caught us by complete surprise. We lost all 3 of our beloved dogs during this time. We lost jobs and the significant portion of our income. We dealt with medical issues, depression and recovery. At times it was almost too much and we struggled with the desire to just give up.

But, even though times were tough we managed to survive.

A big part of that survival was because of the "angels" we had backing us up. While I do believe we had angels watching over us from on high... I also know that many of our angels didn't sport wings. Most of our angels came in the disguise of regular people. Our family and our friends.

Each and every angel brought something special into our lives. They offered support when we needed it. That support came in many forms and every single form was important. Every little bit kept us going and raised our spirits.

And so we made it through. And I want to be sure and thank everyone of our "Angels". Thank you for listening to us when we needed it. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. Thank you for never giving up and encouraging us. Thank you for giving what and when you could in order to ease our burdens. We LOVE and APPRECIATE you all!!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

On becoming my own personal cheerleader...

For reasons unknown the idea that I need to become my own personal cheerleader is stuck in my head today.

God knows, I am not naturally inclined to "toot my own horn" or even acknowledge my own accomplishments. As a matter of fact, I tend to do quite the opposite and down play what I have done. I don't take compliments well. I am my own worst critic.

But, today I started to wonder why I can't take just a moment and be proud of myself. I know it's possible to be proud of an accomplishment without sounding conceited. I have many family members and friends who have that confidence in themselves and I never feel that they are bragging or trying to belittle anyone else by doing so.

So, why not try to be proud of myself once and a while? What's wrong with that?

So today, for just a minute I am going to focus on one thing I have done that I am very proud of. That thing is this:

Yes, that is my high school diploma. What's the big deal you might ask? Pretty much everyone goes to school and gets one, it's not that hard.

But for me this was a hard won accomplishment. You might notice that the diploma is dated 2008. Yep, 2008. Yes, I was 39 years old when I earned it. 21 years from the time I should have graduated with my senior class.

Why did it take me so long? I don't have a great answer. I didn't technically "drop out" of high school. I went all 4 years. I just didn't go to every class, all the time. So I didn't earn the credits I needed to walk the stage with my peers.

High school was a tough time in my life. I had no clue at the time but, this was when the first symptoms of my Bipolar disorder began to manifest. My self esteem was in the dumps. I was not a happy person. Because of this school was not a priority. I railed against the system. Complained that it was all worthless information that I would never really use. So if I hated a class or a teacher, I just didn't attend. My report cards from high school are a portrait of inconsistency. If you look at the grades and attendance you will see I got A's & B's in the classes I enjoyed (and that even included more then just "fun" classes- I aced History courses every year for example!). Attendance reflects the same thing, if I liked a class I attended regularly. If not, well... the attendance is just sad!!

For years after high school I didn't let the fact that I failed to graduate bother me. It just didn't think it mattered and I didn't think it made a huge impact on my life.

Then one day - something changed.

Maybe it was the fact that my kids were in High School and Middle School at that time. That they were both working towards the goal of graduating. That I felt like a hypocrite when I lectured them about their grades and stressed to them how important it was to get through school.

Suddenly,the fact that I did not have a high school diploma started to weigh on my heart and mind. I felt incomplete. So, I resolved to do something about it. And I started looking into programs that would help me reach that goal.

I could have gone the GED route. I could have studied, taken the tests and finished that way but, for me... it just didn't feel right. While earning your GED is a big accomplishment, I needed more. I wanted the diploma.

So, I found a program that would let me do just that. The courses I had finished in High School were considered but, I had a lot to make up and an incredible amount of work to do.

In some ways it was easier. Easier in the sense that I was motivated to do it. I was resolved to make it through. But, in many ways it was much harder. I mean come on- it had been 20 years since I had opened a school book. Math, English, Essays. Some days I didn't think I would make it. Some days I wanted to just throw up my hands and say forget it. I don't need it. But, I didn't. My family knew I was working towards this goal. I wanted to make them proud AND I wanted to make myself proud. I wanted this.

And so I did it. It took over a years worth of hard work. But, I DID IT! The day my diploma arrived in the mail was one of the proudest days in my life because, I had finally accomplished my goal.

Yes, it would have been easier to just go to class as a teenager, do my work and finish like everyone else. But, maybe I needed to do it this way. I am who I am today because of the choices I made all those years ago. And at least for this moment I am proud of that person. I am cheering that accomplishment and celebrating who I am. Without reservation.

Today, I am my own personal cheerleader!!