Conquering the scale

I used to fear the scale. I used to give it a wide berth and avoid it at all costs. My least favorite part of a Dr's visit was getting on the scale.

Not any more!

I do not fear it anymore. I know I am more then just a number on that scale. And I am BEATING it.

I have struggled a little the last couple of months. I was due for an adjustment of my lap band MONTHS ago. But, due to mistakes made by my Dr's office (NO, NOT my insurance company...unbelievable I know), I was unable to get my adjustment.

So, I could eat more then I should have. But, even then...I still LOST weight. I worked hard. I tried to eat better and watched my portions (most days). I worked out regularly.

I DID IT!

And as of today I have reached my first goal.

I have lost 55 POUNDS!

That's 5 (10 lb) bags of potatoes. That's the weight of a small child or two. That's the weight of a medium sized dog. It's 5 or more cats.

That's a lot of weight...and it's gone! Gone for GOOD!

I can walk better. Sleep better. Feel better in general.

Why did I wait SO LONG to take this step?

Who knows...but, I am SO glad I am on this journey now...and I am excited to see where it will take me.

Mind over....Munchies!!

My husband and kids have been incredibly supportive of all the new changes in my life. They are my biggest cheerleaders and supporters. They have gone so far as to cook their own meals and choose meals that they know are not my favorites. They are using reduced fat cheeses, sour cream and more to help with the eventual transition when I can start eating real food.

Last night they made what smelled like some kick-ass chili. Even though I am not a huge chili fan...I would have chowed down on a bowl happily. Because they made so much they decided they would have Chili cheese omelets for brunch today. So Matt asked if I would help (cause he says he can never make omelets right and they always fall apart). Last night I said NO. I didn't want to have to sit and cook all that good food when I couldn't have any of it.

Then I woke up and I remembered how much they all have done to try and make this whole transition easier on me. So, I sucked it up, dug in my heels and made them each a chili cheese omelet.

Granted I had eaten my 1/4 c. of oatmeal for breakfast and I wasn't feeling physically hungry. But, the smell of the eggs, the chili, the cheese and sour cream made my BRAIN hungry. I always knew there was a link between smells and hunger. That the smell of food can kick in a hunger response. Even when you're not really hungry. It makes you want to eat, makes you feel like you need to eat whatever it is that smells so good.

But, I never REALLY GOT IT until today. As I stood there cooking for my family my BRAIN told me I was hungry, it told me that I needed those eggs and chili and cheese, it tried to convince me that I wanted it!

Today, I was strong. Today I realized that my new stomach was full. That the response I was having was to the smells not a response to REAL hunger.

I know I will have to combat that part of my brain on a regular basis, that there will be many times when it will tell me I am hungry even when I'm not.

But, I will be STRONG and make the right choices for me. I will move forward and I will survive.

Keep moving forward....

(I loved this picture! It depicted the title so well, although I WON'T be chasing food on my journey forward.)

Today's theme is Keep Moving Forward...and I Will Survive!!

Today I started on my Full Liquid diet. What this means is that I can now have things like yogurt, thin oatmeal, applesauce, etc. I get 3- 2 oz. meals today along with 2 oz. of a protein supplement every hour and Water, Water, Water. So far I have not been feeling overly hungry. When time came for lunch I started to feel a little hungry but, my 2 oz. meal helped me feel better.

I worried that I wasn't going to feel full and that I would always feel hungry. But, I guess when your stomach is only the size of an egg...the food I can eat is sufficient.

Getting all the protein I need will be challenging but, I will figure it all out.

It's going to take time to work out a schedule and it will be a challenge to figure it all out when I am back at work too but, I will KEEP MOVING FORWARD and I WILL SURVIVE!



OH...and just cause I am excited...since my first visit to the Dr. on April 29th I have officially lost... 17 POUNDS!!!!

New friends

Meet my new friend. She is a woderful friend. She has kept my internal pain at bay making surgery much more bearable! Of course I am required to wear her around all the time and she occasionally gets in the way but, I am grateful for her. I can't imagine how much more painful my abdomen would be without her.



This is my other friend. He is helping clear the anesthesia from my lungs and helping relieve some of the pressure from the air the pumped into my abdomen for surgery. We get together once an hour for 5-10 breaths each. He is going to help keep me from getting pneumonia.

I also have a friend in my liquid vicodin, she helps my external pain and the pain caused by the placement of my port. She and I only get together when absolutely necessary. Thankfully that has not been too often since leaving the hospital and I managed the whole night without her. I am hoping I won't need her much today.

Resting, relaxing and following my clear liqiud diet. Today these are my goals.

Tomorrow I get to start the Full liquid diet (creamy soups, oatmeal, applesauce and the like) for 35 days. The real work begins now! Wish me luck, I'll need it!

And here we go......

T-minus 10 hours until surgery. The big day approaches FAST. So very fast.

While I am very nervous about going under anesthesia for the first time, I am excited for the new adventure that looms.

I am concerned about how difficult the next weeks and months will be, but looking forward to the positive changes that will come about.

I'm ready...let's GO!!

Conquering the scale

There have been numerous times in the last 22 years when I thought I had conquered the scale. Many times when I thought I was finally on my way to a healthy weight. Many times I have been wrong.

I was not a "chunky" child. In fact until I hit puberty I was a little scrawny. But, then those all so wonderful hormones kicked in and suddenly it was all TOO easy to gain weight. Couple that with an under active thyroid and a long bout with depression and you can sort of track where my struggle with the scale began.

I went through middle school and high school hating the way I looked. I developed earlier then a lot of the girls in school. I spent a lot of time wishing I had their small breasts, tiny hips and thighs and cute little butts. I wasn't so "lucky". I was wearing a C cup in middle school, I had thick legs, wide hips and the infamous "Watson Butt". I wasn't blond and outgoing like so many girls in school. I hated my dull brown hair and I hated that I was shy and quiet.

So, instead of getting involved in a sport or choir or drama I hid in the background. Hoping no one would notice me and trying to convince myself that "I didn't care" what anyone thought!

And I gained weight. Slowly at first but, then more and more as the years went on. I struggled through high school with the same self loathing and tried really hard not to let the taunts of my "peers" make everything worse. I wasn't very successful.

And so I kept gaining. Occasionally I would try to lose. Slimfast, Nutrisystem, Weight watchers, various diet pills and "magic cures". Some worked for a while, some didn't. And my weight went up and down. Then one day, I gave up. I got tired of trying and barely making progress, I got tired of denying myself the things I wanted and the food I loved. So I just stopped.

Until about a month ago. Until for some reason it became TOO hard to be FAT anymore. Until my health got worse, my joints gave out and my back felt like it was breaking. Until the thought of not being here for my kids and the important days in their lives got to be too much.

So, the journey began. The decision to make a change and take more "drastic" measures was made. Research was done. Family and friends consulted. Dr's seen. The choice to take back my life for good was made.

The decision has not been easy and the journey so far has had it's struggles. But progress is being made.

The pre-surgical diet has been tough. Making myself (a born & bred meat and potatoes girl) eat a lofat/nofat NO MEAT diet has been beyond hard some days. I have to fight against the hunger, both physical and mental. I have to make myself stronger then the cravings. For whatever reason, in the past, I couldn't do it. I would have given in. But, this time is different. This time somehow I have found the inner strength to follow through. And it's working already.

At my pre-surgical appointment with my surgeon my blood pressure was normal. In the last week I managed to walk around Walmart without needing to stop because my back and knee wanted to give out. AND when I weighed in at the doctor's office yesterday I had lost....

9 POUNDS!! 9 pounds?? I didn't believe it at first, I had to ask if the nurse was sure. Where had I lost 9 pounds?

So, it has begun. I am on the way! I CAN DO IT this time around. I can become the healthy woman I have always wanted to be.

When this journey began I had days of doubt. I didn't think I could go through with the surgery, didn't think I could handle the restricted diet before and after. But, as I see and feel the positive changes I am making, I am EXCITED. I can't wait to continue. I can't wait to take the next step and see more positive changes. I am encouraged and motivated.

It's 5 days until sugery. My new life is coming and I can't wait!!

Struggling....

I WANT A HAMBURGER! A big, thick, juicy hamburger. Fries. Coke. I want to eat some meat! I want some fat, some sugar, something bad for me!

Yes, today I am struggling a little. Struggling to eat well and not give in to the craving. To fight the voice in my head telling me to eat the things I know I shouldn't.

Instead I will eat an apple. Drink my water. I will find something else to do. I will make it through the day and accomplish my goal for yet another day.

I will do my best. And it will be okay.

9 days until surgery. I know I can make it.