Saturday, March 22, 2014

It's not an excuse... it's an explanation.

I am often told that I am "closed off" and too quiet. That I don't let people know what I am thinking and/or feeling. That I exasperate people because I don't answer questions freely.

Why am I this way?

Well, for the most part I figure no one needs to hear - nor would most people understand what goes on in my head. And why would they want to hear it? I am a tangle of anxieties and fears. Some, I know, are truly irrational but they exist nonetheless.

Sometimes I just don't want to be told that I should "get over it", that other people have it worse, that I just need to be on medication or that it's "all in my head".

While I do appreciate that most people are trying to supportive, platitudes don't really help me. I don't feel these things because I want to. I don't want to be sad and miserable. I don't want to feel out of control. I did not choose to be Bipolar. No one would choose to feel this way everyday.

I would love to be an upbeat and happy person all the time. I would love to smile and sing and laugh every day. And yes, some days I can be that way. But, it's not always easy. Sometimes I am just masking the pain I really feel.

So, please forgive me if I am difficult. I don't want to be combative ( Okay, I confess....maybe sometimes I do... but, it's not ALL the time. ) I am trying to be a good person. It's just a little harder when you don't always have control over your emotions.

And I promise you... I am not using my diagnosis as an excuse to be this way.

I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up more then anyone else could. I struggle and I fall and I pick myself up the best I can. I worry constantly that one day everyone will have had enough. That I will be left alone.

And that scares me more then anything.

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